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"The Chronicles of My Emotional Incompetence and My Grandmother's Passing"

i feel like an awful horrible person. you know, when i was twelve, i was diagnosed depressed after my dad (read: grandfather) died and i was just... not that affected. i just didn't really care. he wasn't abusive, but he was hard to deal with in the two or three years before his death. a lot of the time, he was just trying to help and protect me; one time, i was playing bike tag with the neighbour kids and he thought they were all bullying me, running away from me (i was "it") and he broke up our game and brought me home. and he was always getting into fights with my friends father, and her mother finally just made it a rule that my friend wasn't allowed to even come near my house anymore. we never really stayed friends after that. but then he died and i didn't cry. i hadn't really cried since i was eleven, maybe. i can't remember. but i didn't cry at the funeral or when the news came in or anything like that. i couldn't. i didn't want to. so mum (read: grandma) thought i might be depressed and i went to therapists and took pills. the pills just made me more depressed so they switched brands and it still didn't help (which happens apparently when you take them when you're not depressed?). i eventually got off them, but i was still about the same. not very responsive. in grade eleven, i was seventeen, my granddad (read: mum's dad) died. i was in school, mum couldn't answer the phone at home, so my aunt called me and told me the news. i reacted about the same as with my dad's death. no tears, no real reaction. mum picked me up after school, we went grocery shopping, and i only told me when we got home and she was sat down and had some tea. she cried. she freaked out. i awkwardly comforted her and hated myself because i was only sad that she was reacting like that and making me uncomfortable. i tried to find out why. i searched the web and i tried to self-diagnose (which is never a good thing). i thought maybe there was something like mild sociopathy. i still think i might have that. other things wrong with me might be derealization disorder. or depersonalization. or something. my biomom is bipolar. we're a lot alike. mum thinks i look like her. some times i sound like her. maybe my brain is weird like hers. either way, i don't have the same emotional connection that my mum does. which is very ironic, because i have very high empathy. i understand emotions in an instinctual way. i can't describe it. most of the time i think in colors and sounds and temperature. i'm getting off topic. the reason for this ramble is that my grandmother (read: mum's mother) is dying. she's bleeding everywhere, but the doctors can't find out from where. she probably won't make it through this month. mum's freaking out. and i just don't... i don't know. it's not that i don't care, but it's more that i care because of how it's affecting my mum. other than that... there's not a lot of emotion involved. i feel like a horrible person. but i don't really have the motivation to try to change. which just makes me feel worse, and i get panic attacks and my life has only just begun but i just. i don't. some times i wish i could just disconnect from the planet, but keep being alive, but not having to do anything. i almost wanted to id as otherkin/shadowkin for about a week once, but i don't want to id as something i'm not and i don't think i'm any sort of otherkin. and i'm off topic again. not that i really know what my topic is. right. that i'm an awful person for not being emotional attached to a family that has never hurt me. because i'm on this site all the time, on the computer all the time, watching cartoons and anime and i'm not going up north with my mum to be with her while her mother is dying. (not that she should be going my north either, with all the wildfires everywhere; i don't even know if those roads are open) i'm laughing and playing with the cats and wondering when i can get to an eb games to get the darkrai code but i'm supposed to be sad, right? i'm supposed to be worried about my grandmother, about my mum and my aunt and my family and the death we're going to have to deal with. and i'm... not really thinking about it. because it's not a thing that's that big in my life. i really am horrible.

slight update regarding the previous post grandmother is doing better - the doctors found out what was wrong and patched it up. she's able to walk around and do things herself, and she has an appetite again. i still feel like a bad person though, because i kind of do wish she'd died. she's ninety years old, her husband of at least sixty years died three years ago, and she's got nothing left but her kids. she even told doctors not to try to revive her if she reached that point. but mum told me that she couldn't handle it if she died now. mum doesn't want to have to drive up there again so soon, because she has a trip planned for august and it's too hard a trip to do this often (it's a ten hour drive). still. i don't know. i guess we'll see how she does. maybe... i don't know.

slight edit to blend a few posts together and make this less 'in your face' if people actually read this stuff

another update grandma is getting worse again. she's tired and weak and the nurses suggest we don't plan any long trips. because she might not make it through the year. maybe. they haven't given any timeline guesses. but she's not doing well. she might get better. i'm not holding my breath. on a side note, it's my father's (read: grandfather's) birthday today. he died eight years ago on May 23.

so grandma is getting a lot weaker. she can barely lift a plastic knife, apparently, and since she keeps getting blood infusions, most of the blood in her body wasn't made by her. apparently, soon her body won't be able to make its own blood – being unused to it, or something maybe. anyway, she's really not doing well. and she's not really wanting to live, since all her friends are dead, and her husband is dead, and all she's got are her kids, who are all in their 60's or so. nobody expects her to live past september, i think. no more than two months from now, at most. it's... kind of sad, in the way that death is always sad. death hold no pain, after. so isn't it better than suffering?

grandma's back in the hospital. congestive heart failure. she's so weak, and miserable, and she has to rely on the nurses for everything, which she hates... we're all just kind of hoping she passes away in her sleep. and since mom is christian, she says that grandma won't feel anymore pain where she's going after that. which is true enough, depending on which religious theory you believe in... not that this is the place to get into a religious rant.

grandma's in palliative care now. my aunt is sure she'll go anytime now, within the day or tomorrow or something. it's my mom's birthday today, so this isn't the best gift, but grandma doesn't really have much of a life like this. she's lived a long full life. it'd be a mercy for her to die now.

grandma passed away a few minutes ago, i think. according to my aunt, at least, who just phoned (timestamp: 17:20 ST) mom left around 8 this morning (3 or so hours ago) so she'll be up there, i guess 7 hours from now. i'm sure she'll be hysterical (she's the type to cry over anything, and this is worse). this feels so similar to when grandpa died. it was 2013, my aunt phoned me at school because mom wasn't home or something, and told me then. i told my mom (after she picked me up from school; we went grocery shopping, and i made her tea at home and made sure she was sitting and comfortable before i told her. i might be emotionally stunted, but i'm not mean). this is similar, only mom's already going up there and my aunt'll tell her when she gets there. and they'll both cry on each other or something. i can already guess that mom's going to be upset with herself, saying she should have left yesterday, to get there before this, but there's nothing she could have done. at least she'll be up there now. not sure how long she'll be up there. not sure if i should call my uncle (read: actually my uncle in this family tree) or not, since he's invested in this too. he's coming here from windsor in august, but that's a while from now. i don't know. i'm not good at this. but at least grandma's not in pain anymore. "she's with grandpa now," my aunt told me when she broke the news. there's that at least, and it's true no matter what ideology you believe in. outside her physical body, she doesn't feel anything, good or bad. it's just the people left behind who hurt.