Sporko's Scribbles

Will there ever be a time where im allowed to be happy for more than a day? Will i ever have low enough stress that it doesnt effect my mental health? Can i be taken seriously by anyone i meet? People could argue that being in my mid 20s with the face of a 18 year old is a blessing but... its not. No one takes you seriously. Youre constantly told by elders that you have no reason to be stressed because youre so young. Tou get told that everyone has depression and you need to suck it up and get over it. Im so tired of masking. Masking my mental stress and pain.. masking my worried... masking... me. I cant even take the mask off at home, im too afraid what others will think. I know hubs will accept me but ... sometimes im too much even for him. Im tired. Tired of masking. Tired of living. Tired of depression. I want this to stop. And i cant figure out how. And im afraid i never will be able to.

I don't remember quoting this.

Wow, it's almost the end of 2022. It's been... a year. I haven't done too much this year, it's been... a year. I've survived, that's honestly the main thing. I haven't had a lot of successes this year, but I haven't had too many failures either. It's slowly working I guess? I managed to get some stuff done for my Novel Series; Managed to do all of the stages for the Magma Dragons. Finished all of the Totem Guardian Beasts for each element. And I finished all of the flags for the regional islands as well. Sure it's not a lot, but to me it's a lot. I managed. At least.

My friends are amazing and I don't deserve such lovely people as friends. I wish I had ways to pay back all their kindness somehow but I cannot. I can only pay them back in my presence, which when you have such low self esteem as I do, you don't really value your presence highly at all. I love you, my friends. I don't want to name names, but you all know who you are. I adore you no matter what, you're honestly my bestest friends ever. Thank you for dealing with me.

Debating on coming back to the Roleplaying Scene on PFQ. I'm very picky with my roleplaying partners and only do Semi to full Literate so... I'm a snob when it comes to roleplaying, but I am a loyal roleplayer if we treat each other right.

Fossil task finished. Slowly working on Mega Task. Interaction Task it going to take ages. Fishing Task.

Rowlet flies by Silvally cries Brushiwi flies and grabs fish Pumpkaboo cries Magikarp spotted Decideye comes in and takes Magikarp hitmontop cries Swablu overhead Yveltal overhead Aerodactyl overhead spinda heard Peckoo heard Articuno Dives and grabs fish Braviary heard Lugia dives and grabs fish Archen dives and grabs tentacruel Togekiss overhead Latias dives and grabs fish

STEEL WISHALLOY LETS GO.

Birthday is soon. I'm.. Not ready, it's not that I don't want to be 26 it's just. Another year. Another year of... Nothing to show for it? Another year of disappointment passing and another birthday of family obligations and probably disappointing gifts because... My family doesn't seem to care what I like. I'll get asked quite literally a week before my birthday or even not at all for what I want, and they'll take me to a cafe to have lunch with me because they 'didn't know what to buy me', even though I will literally tell them if they asked me. I don't think I'm hard to buy for. I will tell you what I want. But I'm sorry it's not 'normal people' things; I'm sorry the almost 26 year old has requested Lego, or Art things, or just gift vouchers to my favourite shops. Just because I'm the 'weirdo' of the family doesn't mean you just can write it off as "I don't know what it get Ryk, lets take him to a lame place that sells mac and cheese because he likes that." Yes, I do like Mac and Cheese, but like... A better gift would be nicer? Everyone else ends up sitting around and talking around me and not to me. Plus I'm nowhere near what I wanted for G.Orbs for Birthday Giratina hunt. I don't even have 100 of them. I guess I'll move that hunt along to next year... again.

I'm so tired of everything... I just want to live life happily. Why are the stars testing me so much.